Foundational Emotionally Healthy Skills

Foundations:

Love and joy is the foundation of our identity

1. The Father looked at Adam in joyful love. This was Adam’s first experience of life: hearing God speak over him that he was very good, with his face near in love.

2. The Father did the same for Jesus:

   1. At the birth of Jesus, the Father sent a host of angels to sing in joyful celebration

   2. At the baptism of Jesus, the Father spoke these words over Jesus: “This is my Son, whom I love. With him I am well-pleased.”

   3. On the Mount of Transfiguration, near the midpoint of Jesus’ ministry, the Father spoke to the disciples these words about Jesus, with Jesus listening: “This is my son, whom I love. With him I am well pleased. Listen to him!”

   4. At the Last Supper, shortly before his death, we learn in John 13 that Jesus was deeply aware of the Father’s profound love and delight in him.

3. That’s how the Father related to Jesus. And we know, right, that Jesus only did what he saw the Father doing? So how would we expect Jesus to act?

4. Jesus had the habit of looking his disciples in the eyes with love

   1. Mark 10:21: Jesus looked at the rich young ruler and loved him.

   2. John 13: Jesus expressed his love for his closest disciples by washing their feet, an intimate personal act

   3. Luke 22:60-62: when Peter denied being Jesus’ disciple and friend a third time, Jesus was present, listening, and looked Peter right in the eyes

   4. Plus many more examples

Practices:

To help us grow in experiencing this, I’d like us to practice two important sets of skills. The first is SALVE: Shalom & Appreciation + Listening to our bodies + Validation = Emotional Growth. The second involves our Relational Connection Circuits.

SALVE:

1. Shalom & Appreciation.

   1. We sometimes take time to explore our own story and want to know more about who we are and what brings us abundance of life and joy. What if we took time to really discover the “shalom stories” of those close to us or those to draw closer to us?

   2. Sharing and uniquely expressing what we observe and admire about those we are in close relationship with is one of the fastest, safest and most powerful ways to build a loving connection with them and help strengthen their identity with God and in community.

   3. Circle up into clusters of 3-5 person and take turns:

                                               i.     Someone briefly shares their “shalom story:” what fills them with life and when they experience well-being

                                             ii.     Each of the other people in the cluster express their appreciation for them – what they’ve observed, what stands out to them, what they appreciate from their relationship with them, etc. If you feel unable to easily do that, then pause to listen to God’s heart of joyful, loving appreciation for them and share that

                                           iii.     Repeat until each person has gone

2. Listening to your body.

   1. We have the Holy Spirit inside us, transforming us. We are also created with bodies and by God’s design, our bodies can be an early indicator of the health of our spiritual lives, including the quality of our relationships with Jesus, our families and one another. As we learn to pay attention and listen to our bodies, we can increase our joy, our sense of rest, and learn to navigate difficult, confusing and stressful situations with greater peace.

   2. Three reasons disciples struggle with listening to their bodies:

i.     Lots of “internal noise”

ii.     “Exhaustion agreement:” we’ve agreed with ourselves that it’s okay to be constantly exhausted

iii.     We live in a state of “ongoing overwhelm”

2. Reflect on these questions:

                                               i.     What does your body feel like when there is a lack of peace?

                                             ii.     Are there any patterns you can observe in which people or situations cause your body to feel this way?

                                           iii.     What does your body feel like when you feel at peace?

                                            iv.     Are there any patterns you can observe in which people or situations cause your body to feel this way?

2. Circle up into clusters of 3-5 people to share your observations.

3. Validation.

   1. “Imagine experiencing ongoing freedom and trust that your heart will be well cared for in your various hardships and negative emotions, without fear of being judged or fixed.”

   2. Most of us everyday disciples struggle with validation because:

                                               i.     We ourselves experience a lack of emotional safety and emotionally safe spaces

                                             ii.     We are triggered by the experiences and emotions of others

                                           iii.     We misunderstand negative emotions (Sadness, Anger, Disgust, Shame, Anxiety/Fear, Despair/Hopelessness)

3. Instead, we want to cultivate men in a community of healthy loving belonging who can wisely navigate all emotional overwhelm.

4. Steps:

                                               i.     Learn to recognize the signs when others (and ourselves) are experiencing overwhelm from one or more of the “Big Six” negative emotions. This is an important skill for strengthening community, discipling others and living on mission in the world. To validate an emotion does not mean you have to agree with it, rather it simply means you can:

1.     Name the emotion

2.     Recognize where it initiated

3.     Understand the level of intensity

                                             ii.     We “Presence” with others, by being with them in that emotion:

1.     We can steward hearts by being “glad to be with them” while they’re in these emotions without trying to judge or fix

2.     As we pray, the Lord responds to us and pours out his Spirit, coming to be with us. God sees, God hears, God understands.

3.     Following Jesus’ example, we seek to do what the Father is doing.

                                           iii.     Three Steps of “Validation:”

1.     “I See You:” First, we use the phrase “I see you” to let the other person know that we see they are in distress and the emotions they are experiencing, and that they’re not alone.

2.     “I Hear You:” Next, we let the other person know that they are being heard and listened to by speaking back to them in your words the circumstances and emotions being presented.

3.     “I Understand:” Finally, we gently and authentically tell their story back to them, letting them know we understand the negative emotions they’re experiencing as a result of their circumstances.

3. Break into your clusters, taking turns sharing a challenge and each working through the validation steps (I See You, I Hear You, I Understand).

Relational Connection Circuits:

1. Relational Circuits Checklist:

   1. The first step is to learn to recognize if the “relational circuits” helping regulate your connection with others are “ON” or “OFF.” Consider the following statements with a “Yes” or “No” answer:

                                               i.     I just want to make a problem, person or feeling go away.

                                             ii.     I don’t want to listen to what others feel or say.

                                           iii.     My mind is “locked onto” something upsetting.

                                            iv.     I don’t want to be with _____. (Someone that I usually like and enjoy)

                                             v.     I just want to get away, fight or freeze.

                                            vi.     I more aggressively interrogate, judge and fix others.

1. A “Yes” answer to one or more of these answers is an indication that your relational circuits are more than likely “offline.” (Based on the work of Karl Lehman, kclehman.com)

2. Everything related to relational conflict, general relational engagement, and handling difficult circumstances, will turn out better when your relational circuits are back “on.”

3. Restoring Relational Connection Circuits

   1. Your goal is to perceive God’s presence, tell God about your pain, and receive God’s comfort so that you can get your relational circuits back online.

   2. Practice these steps:

                                               i.      Quiet your body. Be still. Sit comfortably. Breathe deeply and slowly.

                                             ii.     Talk to God about your emotions and thoughts, even if you don’t yet perceive God’s presence with you.

                                           iii.     Invite Jesus to be with you and help you perceive his presence.

                                            iv.     Receive Jesus’ loving peace.

                                             v.     Tell others about how God’s peace helped you.